I think my brain is broken. I've been trying to write this research paper for the last three days and I have come up with 2,000 words that aren't even any good. At least I'm half way to the world limit. That's nice. It's my fault for listening to music while I try and write. Currently its my playlist "Belt-It-Out-Broadway" and ironically right now it's "It sucks to be me" by Avenue Q. 

Almost up to calling it quits.

The actual purpose of this blog isn't to write boring things about how I can't concentrate on study or how much I hate my life at this point in time. It's to write this boring story that I've been making up in my head over the past couple of years. Yes, years. I am a master of procrastination.

Anyway our main character's name is Hadley. That came to me easily which is interesting because it normally takes me a long time to settle on names for my stories. Of course she's a girl with a masculine name. That gives her strength. Actually I'm not really sure if Hadley is a masculine name. I've never met anyone called that before. Our girl lives on a farm with a family. Mum, Dad and a boy slightly older than her. Did you notice I wrote 'a' family, not 'her' family. She lost her parents in a house fire when she was very young so she was sent to live with these guys. They were always respectful to her but never really kind. They weren't the surrogate family she needed but they were honest and reasonable people who looked after her as long as she worked in return. In the world that they live in that is really the best you could hope for.

Since post-apocalyptic teen stories are in these days, that it what this is. The story is set in a future of course. But a future that is so similar to our past. Technology is gone. Nobody really knows why but a few generations ago everything shut off in the middle of the night. Computers died, lights went out, medicines couldn't be produced. Riots ensued. There was an entire generation born in civil war and they were born the old fashioned way, without anesthetic or antibiotics. Thousands died of diseases we used to prevent with a single injection. People killed people for food or shelter. There was no banding together for a common good, there was only fighting to live until the next sunrise. 

It was a dark time that those alive now refer to as the obliteration. I guess it's a bit extreme of a title but if you'd lived through it that's probably what it would have felt like. It was the end of the world and the end of the human race. 

But we humans are a stubborn lot. After decades of fighting factions began to form. People realised that to survive they needed each other. Communities were formed. Countries no longer existed and people didn't possess the technology to travel far so they settled near places that could support human life. We learned to grow food the old fashioned way, with no chemicals and good old-school sunshine. The people had to learn all over again the skills that would get them through their next meal. The rich white collar workers from before the obliteration were the ones that struggled the most. The only skills they had were people skills and the people they were skilled to deal with were no longer willing to give them control. You had to contribute to the community to be accepted.

I am currently desperately trying not to jump ship. Actually it probably hasn't reached the desperate stage just yet but I am definitely in focus phase. The last two days have been brutal and I am sinking once again. I guess I should be happy. I've been perfectly fine for quite a long time, concentrating on big things that are happening rather than having to focus on the day-to-day. I guess for the most part the last 12 months-ish have been perfectly fine. But every 'good' thing comes to an end and i'm back on struggle street. 

I think it started with a friend of mine sending me a couple of emails that have put me into a bit of a tail spin. He lives overseas so we haven't seen much of each other over the past couple of years but I still consider us good friends. But from what he's been writing recently I'm less sure that I want to continue the friendship. He's just trying to complicate my life because he thinks it's the right thing to do and maybe from his perspective it is. But I am avoiding drama and focusing on the big important things and to me the stuff he's writing about isn't bit or important.

Today was better than the last two days. I'm still procrastinating (thus the blogging) but I cleaned my room and got out of my pajamas. I still haven't gone to the gym or showered but I think I've taken a step in the right direction. I've gone through this cycle enough to know it's all about the mind-set. I can fall in a hole for a few days and embrace it and I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to spend a couple of days lost. But after a little while I need to make a decision to feel better and stop wallowing. It can be very difficult sometimes. The older I get the more I feel that I don't have time to fall in a heap. I guess I feel like I have more important things to do. Unfortunately this often means that I try to get myself out and about too early and the mood ends up lingering around for a while. 

I'm not sure that writing this is helping. I'm up but not okay yet so thinking about this is making me sink a little deeper. Other people don't usually help either. Especially my parents. They don't seem to understand it at all. At least I understand how the system generally works but with them they just think I'm being lazy. They make me feel guilty in those hobo days which makes the mood lingering worse. 

Ridiculously I was recently thinking that I might be better now. It's been so long since I've fallen down that I thought maybe I was actually better for good. I guess not though.  Although I used to do a lot more crying back in the day. Maybe that was just the addition of teenage hormones but I haven't been able to cry for a while. Crying often helps actually. 

Being at home doesn't help. I find it worse when I've been stuck in the house for a couple of days or a week. Maybe that's why it's better now that I can drive and get stuff done myself. Less hopelessness? More control I guess. Whatever.