I am currently desperately trying not to jump ship. Actually it probably hasn't reached the desperate stage just yet but I am definitely in focus phase. The last two days have been brutal and I am sinking once again. I guess I should be happy. I've been perfectly fine for quite a long time, concentrating on big things that are happening rather than having to focus on the day-to-day. I guess for the most part the last 12 months-ish have been perfectly fine. But every 'good' thing comes to an end and i'm back on struggle street. 

I think it started with a friend of mine sending me a couple of emails that have put me into a bit of a tail spin. He lives overseas so we haven't seen much of each other over the past couple of years but I still consider us good friends. But from what he's been writing recently I'm less sure that I want to continue the friendship. He's just trying to complicate my life because he thinks it's the right thing to do and maybe from his perspective it is. But I am avoiding drama and focusing on the big important things and to me the stuff he's writing about isn't bit or important.

Today was better than the last two days. I'm still procrastinating (thus the blogging) but I cleaned my room and got out of my pajamas. I still haven't gone to the gym or showered but I think I've taken a step in the right direction. I've gone through this cycle enough to know it's all about the mind-set. I can fall in a hole for a few days and embrace it and I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to spend a couple of days lost. But after a little while I need to make a decision to feel better and stop wallowing. It can be very difficult sometimes. The older I get the more I feel that I don't have time to fall in a heap. I guess I feel like I have more important things to do. Unfortunately this often means that I try to get myself out and about too early and the mood ends up lingering around for a while. 

I'm not sure that writing this is helping. I'm up but not okay yet so thinking about this is making me sink a little deeper. Other people don't usually help either. Especially my parents. They don't seem to understand it at all. At least I understand how the system generally works but with them they just think I'm being lazy. They make me feel guilty in those hobo days which makes the mood lingering worse. 

Ridiculously I was recently thinking that I might be better now. It's been so long since I've fallen down that I thought maybe I was actually better for good. I guess not though.  Although I used to do a lot more crying back in the day. Maybe that was just the addition of teenage hormones but I haven't been able to cry for a while. Crying often helps actually. 

Being at home doesn't help. I find it worse when I've been stuck in the house for a couple of days or a week. Maybe that's why it's better now that I can drive and get stuff done myself. Less hopelessness? More control I guess. Whatever.