Thursday // Thursday, 6 April 2017
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05:09 crumble |
I don't like to share with people. I don't like to share my thoughts. I never have. I think it's a trust thing. To trust someone with my thoughts seems pretty scary. Maybe I'm deeply scarred from year 4 when one night at camp I told Lisa and Kelly the name of the boy I liked and by breakfast the next morning everybody had heard, including him. Maybe I have trust issues from that time when we did trust falls in primary school and Kate let me fall into the dirt. I don't really think either of those events can be blamed for my lack of trust. I remember the beginning of each year in primary school where they would put us all in one big classroom and call the roll to tell us which teacher we would have for the year. That's when they would introduce the new kids. Every year I wished and wished that one of those new kids would be my best friend. You know what I mean. One of those best friends that you are family with. One that you fight with and tell secrets to and spend all your time together. I waited every year for that special person to arrive. I'm still waiting. I have a bit more perspective now. I seem to understand that that kind of friendship is a two way street. The reason I've never had it is that I was never wiling to fight with someone, to share secrets with someone, or to spend all my time with someone. It's not like I'm friendless or anything though. I have friends. I have good friends. I have friends that I have known for decades. I get invited to dinners, parties, weddings. ------------------ She is not who you think she is. She is not funny. She is not smart. She is not thoughtful or kind. She doesn't have a steady job and a bunch of close friends. She does not have hobbies and a social life. She does not cook and clean and visit her family. She does not have everything together. She is simply who you expect her to be. She is who she needs to be so that she is normal. So that you don't look at her strangely. If she could choose who she wanted to be she would be... ... she would have blue bits of hair, not the whole thing just little bits of blue ... she would read books instead of talking to people ... she would sleep all day and only go outside in the darkness ... she would sit on the beach at midnight in shorts and a hoodie with a pillow to rest her head on ... she would be invisible But anyone doing those things instead of the things that are expected is doing something wrong with their life. Their invaluable life that they are lucky to have. A life that so many people waste or lose. Well she doesn't want hers. She doesn't want her job and her mortgage and her friends and her family. She wants blue hair and darkness and invisibility. She wants to disappear into the nether with no trace or memory of her existence. Would a genie make that happen? --------------------------------- I've gotten really good at tricking myself into being here each day. It's simple really. Whenever I get that feeling, that horrible sinking feeling, I say to myself, "It's okay. I'm almost home. If I can just hold myself together until I get back to my apartment I can let the emotions flow". And I somehow manage to keep it together for 30 minutes, or for an hour. And then I get home and I'm like "I'll just have a quick shower so I'll be clean for work tomorrow and then I can collapse in a heap". And I have a shower and maybe put some music on and then I tidy my bedroom a bit because I'll feel better if it's cleaner and then I'm hungry so I tell myself "I'll just make something quick for dinner and eat that because otherwise I'll just eat junk" and then I better clean the dishes because I don't want them to sit there until tomorrow and suddenly its bed time. And I bargain with myself that if I go to bed at normal time I just have one more work day to get through and then I can have a weekend where I do nothing except for open the emotional flood gates. And then on the weekend I better do washing and make eggs for breakfast and then do the dishes again and groceries and vacuum and clean the bathroom and wash my hair and blow dry my hair and organise some bills and call my parents and suddenly it's time for a whole new week to start and I haven't even taken a breath. ------------ God I hope nobody reads any of this. It's not for you. |
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